There are three types of submissives, service oriented, bedroom and control. I happen to be all three. The similarities between the three types is that all submissives have a need or desire to have their submissive side fulfilled. They also look for a partner who can fulfill these requirements for them, whether they realize it or not.
A service oriented submissive enjoys performing service for others, it can be only for the person they are with or it can be that they enjoy doing service for anyone who will let them, such as family And friends. The service is usually household chores, but it can also be tasks and submissives tend to be excellent for serving on boards and helping out organizations. The service oriented submissives may enjoy certain tasks more than others and will do those frequently without being asked to, personally I really enjoy doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen, but I dislike washing cars and doing yard work.
The control oriented submissive thrives in an environment where he or she is told what to do, often with consequences if the action requested is not followed. The degree of discipline varies, but control oriented submissives are the ones who need a good Dominant person more than the other two types. These are the ones who will do better in areas of life where they were not doing so well to have someone to be accountable to and makes sure that they are doing what needs to be done to achieve their goals. The Dominant may also give them tasks to complete that will benefit the Dominant and frequently this type of submissive type is seen with the service oriented submissive traits as well.
The bedroom submissive is the type that likes to let go only in the bedroom. They will allow their partner to be in control of what happens in the bedroom only. This is an escape from the real world for them and they can allow themselves to let go and to be controlled by another person. This is probably the most common type of submissive out there, but I have no scientific basis for that, only ancedotes from friends that seems to be most frequent type.
Submissives that are service oriented and control oriented have different and varying degrees of their submission, never assume that one is like the other. Remember to treat them all with respect.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Romantic Playlist
Although this playlist is intended for my Sir, you may all enjoy some lovely love songs.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Safe words
The cornerstone of the lifestyle is communication. Without communication you and your partner(s) will not be able to achieve what you want from the lifestyle and will be left frustrated and angry.
Safe words were created to keep play safe and to keep people comfortable, both tops and bottoms can use a safe word. The most common ones are the traffic light colors; red, green and yellow. When you negotiate a scene, you need to go over your safe words and what they mean. When you first start evening with someone, they may check in with you frequently and as you get more comfortable scening with them they will be able to read your body language and not check with you as often.
Green - Generally means, things are ok, you are doing something good, I'm ok to keep going, that feels good.
Yellow - it could mean, this hurts change to something else, I don't like that particular toy, you keep hitting the same spot and it is getting too sensitive, this is getting too intense and I need you to slow down before you build back up, I need a breather. It helps if you can add something to explain what is yellow, for example if you have rope around your wrist and it has started to tighten up too much, you can say "Yellow, rope" and then your top can loosen up the rope and get back to the scene.
Red - Red means stop. Don't play with me anymore. You need to let me down and depending on what made you yell red, it could mean, leave me alone, don't touch me or something else. Let your top know what made it red if you can, if you can't at least try to let them know when you've had a chance to come down and relax.
Mayday - This means trouble, if you are in a dungeon and yell mayday you will have the dungeon masters all over you in no time and they will help you out. This could happen for example if you are being suspended and the rope is letting go, you need to get to the ground as soon as possible and are scared you might fall. It could also mean that one of your limits has been crossed and you need the person you are scening with to go away now.
Green and yellow are the most frequently used colors, it is not a bad thing to use your colors, it is a communication tool and helps both parties get to where they want to go comfortably. Usually, both parties want to achieve good head space and even sub or Dom space, although that does not always happen and you should not feel bad if you did not get there.
Safe words were created to keep play safe and to keep people comfortable, both tops and bottoms can use a safe word. The most common ones are the traffic light colors; red, green and yellow. When you negotiate a scene, you need to go over your safe words and what they mean. When you first start evening with someone, they may check in with you frequently and as you get more comfortable scening with them they will be able to read your body language and not check with you as often.
Green - Generally means, things are ok, you are doing something good, I'm ok to keep going, that feels good.
Yellow - it could mean, this hurts change to something else, I don't like that particular toy, you keep hitting the same spot and it is getting too sensitive, this is getting too intense and I need you to slow down before you build back up, I need a breather. It helps if you can add something to explain what is yellow, for example if you have rope around your wrist and it has started to tighten up too much, you can say "Yellow, rope" and then your top can loosen up the rope and get back to the scene.
Red - Red means stop. Don't play with me anymore. You need to let me down and depending on what made you yell red, it could mean, leave me alone, don't touch me or something else. Let your top know what made it red if you can, if you can't at least try to let them know when you've had a chance to come down and relax.
Mayday - This means trouble, if you are in a dungeon and yell mayday you will have the dungeon masters all over you in no time and they will help you out. This could happen for example if you are being suspended and the rope is letting go, you need to get to the ground as soon as possible and are scared you might fall. It could also mean that one of your limits has been crossed and you need the person you are scening with to go away now.
Green and yellow are the most frequently used colors, it is not a bad thing to use your colors, it is a communication tool and helps both parties get to where they want to go comfortably. Usually, both parties want to achieve good head space and even sub or Dom space, although that does not always happen and you should not feel bad if you did not get there.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Aftercare
Aftercare is one of the most important parts of the scene. This is the stage that the maso is most vulnerable, has gotten control of their body back and starts to feel the tidal wave of emotions coming over them. Aftercare can be different for people, for some they don't want to be touched, while others want to be cuddled, you might just want to lay exactly where you are or to be moved to a couch to get comfortable and rest for a bit.
There are a few things that are needed for most masochists after a scene:
1. Water or other fluids (orange juice is really good)
2. Nutrition, fruits, crackers and chocolate are really good
3. A blanket
4. A person to watch over them, give care as needed
5. Some people really need to go to the bathroom right after a scene
6. A comfy place to recover
When recovering, your reactions might be anything from laughing to hardcore crying and sobbing, it is normal to have intense reactions to the scene. You have just let yourself go and now you are coming back to reality. A scene is both physical and emotional and your body will react to that.
If I missed anything, shoot me an e-mail and I'll amend this post. I think I've covered the most important aspects.
There are a few things that are needed for most masochists after a scene:
1. Water or other fluids (orange juice is really good)
2. Nutrition, fruits, crackers and chocolate are really good
3. A blanket
4. A person to watch over them, give care as needed
5. Some people really need to go to the bathroom right after a scene
6. A comfy place to recover
When recovering, your reactions might be anything from laughing to hardcore crying and sobbing, it is normal to have intense reactions to the scene. You have just let yourself go and now you are coming back to reality. A scene is both physical and emotional and your body will react to that.
If I missed anything, shoot me an e-mail and I'll amend this post. I think I've covered the most important aspects.
Under the influence?
Alcohol and drugs. When you are scening, why would you need those? You really don't. If you are scening with an experienced person, they should be able to take you where you want to go, the endorphins are enough of a high and drugs and alcohol will only take away your ability to make smart decisions. If you are under the influence of alcohol, you might have a bad head space, any drug that is a downer might give you a bad head space. If you are on uppers, they might give you a really intense high and then when you come down, you might crash. Alcohol increases your likelihood of bleeding, if you are getting bruised, then that will increase the bleeding under the skin. You are more likely to become dehydrated, when scening it takes a lot out of you and you need to make sure you are getting plenty of fluids in the first place, then when you combine that with alcohol, you might feel even worse the next day.
There are dungeons that allow people to drink while there to play. I do not agree with that policy, but it is there and there are people who think differently than I do. It is my opinion that in order to be safe, you have to be sober.
If you are having issues with drugs or alcohol, you can get help. There are support groups out there to help you. You don't have to feel ashamed and it is in fact a sign of strength to admit that you have a problem and to get the help that you need.
There are dungeons that allow people to drink while there to play. I do not agree with that policy, but it is there and there are people who think differently than I do. It is my opinion that in order to be safe, you have to be sober.
If you are having issues with drugs or alcohol, you can get help. There are support groups out there to help you. You don't have to feel ashamed and it is in fact a sign of strength to admit that you have a problem and to get the help that you need.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Protector vs. Predator
When you enter into the lifestyle, you may seek out someone who is more experienced than you to guide you and there are a few different roles you might be searching for. There are trainer, mentor, protector and friends. I'm going to focus on protector today, but I think I will expand on the other roles as well soon.
A protector is someone who you entrust with making sure you are not harmed when scening with other people. You will have to negotiate that role with the person you entrust to protect you, just as you would negotiate a scene, but in this role you will have to negotiate how far that role extends. Their role is to ensure that you play with people who are a good fit for you, perhaps to allow you to experience new things in the lifestyle or to make sure that the person you are scening with can provide the right kind of care for you. As a masochist you have to be aware that there is always safety issues and when you are not experienced, you may not realize how a certain scene is going to affect you. A protector will get to know you, understand what your needs are and that your needs are met during and after a scene and make sure to keep you as safe as possible.
A predator is frequently found swarming around the newbies, it is someone who has alterior motives and does not take the persons best interest to heart, but is more focused on their own motives. They might want the person they are protecting to form an attachment to them and take advantage of that person. It is difficult for the newbies to spot the predator for what he or she is. I have heard of several instances of people being taken advantage of when they enter the lifestyle, it happens all over the world.
When finding a protector, you need to make sure that you get references for that person, talk to other people and find out what their track record is. Make a list of things that you would like your protector to do and also what you might provide in return if there is an expectation of anything. Do not allow your protector to shut you off from people who you feel comfortable with. The most important thing is to communicate. If you feel uncomfortable with anything, you need to speak up and let your protector know. If it is not working out for you, then it is time to end that relationship.
A protector can be a very good thing. You do not need to be a new person to have a protector and they can provide you with a peace of mind when you are engaging in play with different people. Figure out what works best for you and how you like to play and that relationship can be a wonderful experience.
A protector is someone who you entrust with making sure you are not harmed when scening with other people. You will have to negotiate that role with the person you entrust to protect you, just as you would negotiate a scene, but in this role you will have to negotiate how far that role extends. Their role is to ensure that you play with people who are a good fit for you, perhaps to allow you to experience new things in the lifestyle or to make sure that the person you are scening with can provide the right kind of care for you. As a masochist you have to be aware that there is always safety issues and when you are not experienced, you may not realize how a certain scene is going to affect you. A protector will get to know you, understand what your needs are and that your needs are met during and after a scene and make sure to keep you as safe as possible.
A predator is frequently found swarming around the newbies, it is someone who has alterior motives and does not take the persons best interest to heart, but is more focused on their own motives. They might want the person they are protecting to form an attachment to them and take advantage of that person. It is difficult for the newbies to spot the predator for what he or she is. I have heard of several instances of people being taken advantage of when they enter the lifestyle, it happens all over the world.
When finding a protector, you need to make sure that you get references for that person, talk to other people and find out what their track record is. Make a list of things that you would like your protector to do and also what you might provide in return if there is an expectation of anything. Do not allow your protector to shut you off from people who you feel comfortable with. The most important thing is to communicate. If you feel uncomfortable with anything, you need to speak up and let your protector know. If it is not working out for you, then it is time to end that relationship.
A protector can be a very good thing. You do not need to be a new person to have a protector and they can provide you with a peace of mind when you are engaging in play with different people. Figure out what works best for you and how you like to play and that relationship can be a wonderful experience.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sub space and Sub drop
Sub space is the state that you may enter into while having a scene or playing with someone in the BDSM lifestyle, this is only applicable to the bottom of the scene, the top may experience something called Dom space. It is both a state of mind and a feeling that you experience. You experience sub space both physically and emotionally, it is the result of an endorphin rush that your body releases into your blood stream as well as you being able to relax and let go during the scene. Your mental attitude is very important to keep in check while having a scene because it is possible to have a bad sub space. Generally sub space is a wonderful experience, for some it is even better than having an orgasm. You free up your mind and body to let go and flow with the emotions and allow yourself to loose control. On the flip side however, you might have a bad sub space. A bad sub space might happen if someone crosses your limits or if you are scening with someone you don't quite trust or if you were in a really crappy mood prior and instead of allowing yourself to feel good, perhaps you feel guilt, remorse, or other negative feelings that are then exasperated during the scene.
Sub drop is what happens later. Generally several days after you've had a scene you will start to experience sub drop. It doesn't affect everyone the exact same way, but most people will describe it as a feeling of sadness and it will affect people to varying degrees. The best way to combat sub drop is to do something, you can call up a friend and spend some time with loved ones or you can veg out on the couch and eat some chocolates or take a nice relaxing bath. It is important not to push through the sub drop because postponing the drop will only make it more intense.
For myself, I've found that the best scenes and sub space happen with my Sir, he has gotten to know me and my body, found what I like and don't like, how to bring me to the best place possible and the experience is so amazing. I can't really put into words how wonderful I feel when we scene together, we have this chemistry that works so well and I am happy with everything that he does.
It is important to take care of yourself, allow yourself to heal after scening, nourish your body and your soul, pamper yourself a bit.
If you are going through Sub drop, I want to give you a big hug and tell you it's all going to be ok. This too shall pass.
Sub drop is what happens later. Generally several days after you've had a scene you will start to experience sub drop. It doesn't affect everyone the exact same way, but most people will describe it as a feeling of sadness and it will affect people to varying degrees. The best way to combat sub drop is to do something, you can call up a friend and spend some time with loved ones or you can veg out on the couch and eat some chocolates or take a nice relaxing bath. It is important not to push through the sub drop because postponing the drop will only make it more intense.
For myself, I've found that the best scenes and sub space happen with my Sir, he has gotten to know me and my body, found what I like and don't like, how to bring me to the best place possible and the experience is so amazing. I can't really put into words how wonderful I feel when we scene together, we have this chemistry that works so well and I am happy with everything that he does.
It is important to take care of yourself, allow yourself to heal after scening, nourish your body and your soul, pamper yourself a bit.
If you are going through Sub drop, I want to give you a big hug and tell you it's all going to be ok. This too shall pass.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
New to the BDSM Lifestyle
Being new to the lifestyle can be scary at first. Finding your place in this kinky world can be a challenge. There is so much variety in this lifestyle and it is difficult to describe all of it in one little blog. If you are really curious about it, there are many books out there to help you. Keep in mind that besides there being so much variety, there are also many different opinions on how things should be done in the lifestyle. You do not have to accept the first explanation that you hear, if it seems like something that you might be interested in, but someone tells you something about it that makes you uncomfortable, get a second or third opinion before you decide it is not for you.
Your safety always comes first, being new does not mean that you have to go meet a stranger to satisfy your needs and never go against your instincts. Start by finding your local munch group and meet up with other local kinksters in a non-threatening vanilla setting. Talk to the people that attend those munches and get a feel for what they are like. You might be surprised by how normal those people are. People in this lifestyle come from all walks of life, young and old, parents, teachers, professionals and everything in between. I think most of the people however are more open minded than most other groups that you run into.
Once you have gotten to know some people, find out if you have a dungeon near you. Dungeons vary. I personally only have experience of one dungeon, The Woodshed. It is my opinion that The Woodshed is safer than going to a bar. It is a kinky community center and they hold classes, roundtables and events for people to learn and explore in a safe environment.
Take it slow to start with, make friends and talk to people, asking questions is a great way to learn more. If you are on FetLife, there are groups where you can ask questions as well as you can find events and people in your area.
There are two creeds that are followed in the lifestyle, those are Safe, Sane and Consentual (SSC) and Risk Aware Consentual Kink (RACK). Both advocate for your safety. Both of those creeds say it has to be Consentual. If you don't want to do it, no one should be forcing you to do it. If they say that you have to do something and you don't want to, you need to realize that is not a part of the deal. Being new means that you are exposed to risk. It means that people can take advantage of you because you don't know any better. Listen to your instincts and don't get caught up in the novelties and forget about your safety.
Your safety always comes first, being new does not mean that you have to go meet a stranger to satisfy your needs and never go against your instincts. Start by finding your local munch group and meet up with other local kinksters in a non-threatening vanilla setting. Talk to the people that attend those munches and get a feel for what they are like. You might be surprised by how normal those people are. People in this lifestyle come from all walks of life, young and old, parents, teachers, professionals and everything in between. I think most of the people however are more open minded than most other groups that you run into.
Once you have gotten to know some people, find out if you have a dungeon near you. Dungeons vary. I personally only have experience of one dungeon, The Woodshed. It is my opinion that The Woodshed is safer than going to a bar. It is a kinky community center and they hold classes, roundtables and events for people to learn and explore in a safe environment.
Take it slow to start with, make friends and talk to people, asking questions is a great way to learn more. If you are on FetLife, there are groups where you can ask questions as well as you can find events and people in your area.
There are two creeds that are followed in the lifestyle, those are Safe, Sane and Consentual (SSC) and Risk Aware Consentual Kink (RACK). Both advocate for your safety. Both of those creeds say it has to be Consentual. If you don't want to do it, no one should be forcing you to do it. If they say that you have to do something and you don't want to, you need to realize that is not a part of the deal. Being new means that you are exposed to risk. It means that people can take advantage of you because you don't know any better. Listen to your instincts and don't get caught up in the novelties and forget about your safety.
Welcome to my Blog
Fabulous, you are here reading my blog.
I'm on FetLife as Twincident. I'm writing this blog to express myself and also to provide information and helpful tips to others in the BDSM community. My opinions are my own, I'm not claiming that everything that I say here is a fact or is the mainstream way of doing things.
I'm interested in learning more about the community and as I do so, I may share some of the tid bits of information.
If you have questions or have a particular topic that you would like me to write about, please send me an e-mail to Twincident@Yahoo.com. I don't bite (hard).
I'm on FetLife as Twincident. I'm writing this blog to express myself and also to provide information and helpful tips to others in the BDSM community. My opinions are my own, I'm not claiming that everything that I say here is a fact or is the mainstream way of doing things.
I'm interested in learning more about the community and as I do so, I may share some of the tid bits of information.
If you have questions or have a particular topic that you would like me to write about, please send me an e-mail to Twincident@Yahoo.com. I don't bite (hard).
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